Dear Starbucks,
I think that it is time that we see other people.
Unfortunately, I am not in love with you anymore. This love affair is too one sided.
It all started not too long ago when you decided that you needed more from me for my Venti no whip mocha and took away my favorite pastry, the bear claw.
I took it in stride because people change in relationships and I am capable of compromise. I asked politely for you to bring back the bear claw, but you said no. So I decided I could replace my bear claw with a classic coffee cake. I figured it was a fair price for the size and I agreed to keep on buying the mocha despite the increase.
Time passed. I got a gold card and you were happy. Your entire staff knows my name and got to know quite a bit about me. I enjoyed started the morning with a smile, not having to order and sometimes even having my order ready before I had even paid.
We were on cloud nine.
Then you got some plastic surgery and a makeover internally and externally. I was earning free drinks with my gold card and you got to know my habits by bits and bytes. You discontinued the coffee cake you had for so long and declared you and I were going a diet. You showed me a new coffee cake that was 50% smaller, but you insisted it was healthier. Because I loved you, I believed and plunked down the same amount of money for the smaller cake. You cared about my health and that was endearing.
Relationships are about forgiving so I decided to forgive and forget until you wanted another 30 cents for my Venti mocha. I compromised and started buying a grande instead to show you that I had some sort of spine. You still gave me free drinks after every 15 that I purchased so that was something and I was still greeted cheerily everyday.
Today my forgiveness has reached an end. I visited you only to find that I had been dating a gold digger the entire time when you wanted another 45 cents for that oh so small coffee cake. You made this change on your birthday to boot. Boy you are high maintenance!
I just don’t see how we can continue on anymore. The sad truth is that I found you only want me for my money and that makes me sad and it should make you sad as well. I know it won’t though because so many others are under your spell. You are a witchy woman, Starbucks and you have reached new levels of conceit removing your name from the cups. Prince switched to a symbol and that didn’t work out so well for him and he went back.
The truth is that we are better off. I will find my way and with extra money in my bank account. Don’t cry. This is not goodbye forever. I will stop by for the occasional booty call which I know you’ll be up for, but we won’t see each other everyday like lovers do.
It was good while it lasted. Good bye and Good luck!
P.S. I wanted to tell you before anyone else that I unliked you on Facebook. Oh and I cut up the gold card.
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